It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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