Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
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