My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
