The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
