he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
