I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Randomize
