You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Randomize
