i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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