New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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