i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
