She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
