I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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