6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
