You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
