Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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