so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
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I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
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You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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