just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
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