Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
