Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
