why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
So. Much. Porn.
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