I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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