I didn't shave. On purpose
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
