I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
