Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
