At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
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