We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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