guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
