A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
