That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
