Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
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I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
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Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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