i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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