Three words: puerto rican gang bang
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
