Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
