this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I showed him my bush... on skype.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
