I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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