Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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