He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
