your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Randomize
