i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
