Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
