I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
