in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
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