I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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