So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
