how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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