Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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