i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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