I saw his package. It spoke to me.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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