I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
