For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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