you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
You left your phone here
Wait...
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