I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
