You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
