New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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