I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
