I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Drunk is a universal language darling
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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