some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
