I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
