Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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