my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
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