At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
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